Two blog posts in one day? You lucky ducks! (If you missed the first one, click here.)
I could have waited until tonight to publish this post, but I’ve decided to just write it and get it over with. It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time to update the chart. And when I gain, I don’t feel like blogging about it. That’s why I’m writing about it now, instead of waiting, so I can get it off my chest and move on.
Usually I try to build some tension before unveiling my chart updates, but I’ve already shared the outcome, so… um… I’ll just show the chart.
Up one pound.
OK. Since I weighed myself this morning, how I’ve felt and how I’ve wanted to feel have been two completely different beasts. I wanted to succeed at what I’m been working on over the past 6 months: not beating myself up, not labeling myself a failure, not allowing myself to feel depressed, trying to remember all the positives. There are a lot of positives: This puts my weight loss at 169 pounds. 169 pounds! I’ve worked out the past nine days in a row, and am going to Richard Simmons’ class in a little while (tomorrow will be a rest day). I passed up cake and ice cream and a birthday party over the weekend and had a banana instead.
Although I’d really like to focus on all this awesomeness, all I’m actually thinking about is that pound. I wasn’t surprised by it, to be honest – I had a hunch I might gain. My hunch was due to my portions spiraling a little out of control over the past week. Even though I skipped the cake and ice cream at that birthday party, I did eat a giant piece of lasagna that had three types of cheese in it and a giant piece of bread. The night before, I went out with my buddy Tavi to a Middle Eastern restaurant, and even though we ordered only from the appetizer menu, a lot of food came our way, and I indulged. There was a lot of oil in that meal, and I didn’t stop when I should have.
So, let’s recap. I had a week where I made some poor choices, and knew I might gain, and sure enough, I did. Why am I stewing over this? Why can’t I just embrace all the good I’m doing, get back on track, and move on?
Part of it might be because before this gain, it seemed like I was on a roll. It had been a good solid two months where I either lost or stayed the same every single week:
Since my last gain in mid-July, when I packed on three pounds in one week, I lost 7 pounds in 9 weeks. Two of those pounds were when I was on vacation, for fuck’s sake! I have a lot to be proud of.
And yet my mind still keeps wandering back to that pound. Annoying.
I know what I have to do. I need to buckle down with my portions. I need to plan heartier, healthy meals at home on the days when I’m eating out, so I won’t be so hungry at restaurants. At those restaurants, I need to set aside food on my plate to either save for another meal, or just not eat at all. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things before.
What I really need to work on is my attitude. Remembering that it’s just a pound, and that I’ll lose it. Remembering that one pound in one week doesn’t change me, make me less of a person, make me a failure. Remembering that I get nothing out of beating myself up. I don’t benefit from these shitty thought cycles. Remembering to just move on.
So I’m moving on. There’s one more picture I’m going to share. I took it a few days ago, while driving on the freeway (kids, don’t try that at home), and then forgot that I took it, until I uploaded the above chart pictures onto my computer, and there it was.
When I was a boy, I loved trucks. I remember a preschool project where we had to draw our favorite kind of truck, and I drew a car carrier, which fascinated me (they still do). If I had to do that same assignment today, instead of a car carrier, I might draw this truck:
JERKY TRUCK! Never seen one of those before, and I took the picture because I had the thought that I might not ever see one again, and I wanted evidence that they exist, so nobody looks at me funny when I tell them about it, like it’s a leprechaun or unicorn. Jerky trucks are real. And I presume that they’re filled with jerky.
Maybe I’ll spend the rest of the day creating a story in my head about the jerky truck: where it’s going, where it’s coming from, who ordered a truckful of jerky, and what they’re going to do with all of it. That’ll keep my mind off that goddamn stupid pound.
Keep it up, David.