I quit my job today. It’s the second job I’ve quit in the past 4 months. I’m becoming good at quitting – which is probably nothing to be proud about. This is what’s been going down:
It was very difficult to quit the first job. I had been there 7 years, and loved the people there, but felt myself tiring of the grind and wanting a change. The second job came up in late August and I landed a position very quickly – they got my resume on a Thursday, had my interview on Friday, and I started the next Monday. I had only worked for 7 weeks before knowing I had to quit – it just wasn’t the right job for me, and the signs were everywhere: I was waking up queasy, I was counting the hours until I left, and hoping when I went into meetings that I would be able to leave without getting any new projects or assignments. I know in my gut that leaving this second job is the right thing to do, and yet, I’m still queasy. It’s just that the ‘you-aren’t-happy-with-this-job’ queasy feeling has been replaced by the ‘you-have-no-source-of-income’ queasy feeling.
What’s really tough is that my mind seems to naturally gravitate to the negative. It always has. I’d be writing all night if I had to list all the bad thoughts I’ve had in the past few days: You’re making a mistake. If you find another job, it’ll be a huge pay cut and you’ll be miserable. You’ll never work again. You’ll be unable to pay your mortgage. You won’t be happy. People don’t like you. What the fuck are you doing with your life? Why can’t you get your shit together?
I know all of that is extreme and untrue. And I try to fight those thoughts with positive ones. Lately I’ve been reminding myself daily of everything that I have going for me: I’m smart. I’m talented. I’m funny and interesting, and people like being around me. I have the best friends and family that will love me no matter what. I have a lot to offer. Any workplace out there would be lucky to have me. I am at an exciting time in my life and it will all work out better than I ever could have imagined.
Why it is such a struggle to keep those good thoughts floating around? Why aren’t the positive thoughts driving me through my day? The negative thoughts can be so exhausting, but so is constantly replacing them with positive ones. Why can’t I just feel like I’m winning?
Ugh. And if all that isn’t enough, I’m also trying to battle my old comfort-eating habits. Right now, Ben & Jerry’s sounds mighty delicious. So do Oreos. And Cheetos. And Reese’s Pieces. And Corn Dogs. But I’m not going to turn to food. I can’t. I’m not going to open the cupboards again, thinking that somewhere in the back is a bag of chips I mistakenly forgot about. I’m going to stop thinking about the mini-mart that’s right across the street, and the 7-11 that’s only a few blocks away. I need to remember that no matter how good I thought those foods tasted during rough patches in the past, they aren’t the answer. They are a part of the problem, not the solution.
This is a test, David, and you need to pass. This is when you seriously need to keep it up. Keep repeating those positive thoughts. If they’re not driving you forward, then keep repeating them until they do. Know that when you hit the ‘publish’ button and this blog does up on your website, friends will offer their encouragement and love. Take that energy. And feel it. Because you deserve it, David, and no matter how much you second-guess or doubt yourself, you offer the world so much, and you can’t forget that. You are a winner.
Keep. It. Up. David. Now more than ever.